The Hardest Goodbye: Choosing Music for Funerals and Memorials
If you have recently lost someone you love, my heart goes out to you.
I may not know you, but I know loss. I know its jagged edges and roller coaster emotions. Music has comforted me countless times throughout my life: it’s been a place to hide, a place to express, and a place to remember. So, in a similar way, I hope this discussion about music is a soothing distraction. I wish you comfort and peace.
Music is an entry into the soul.
It comforts us in loss. Cheers us when we’re down. And challenges us when we have the space to truly listen. So it comes as no surprise that at life’s peak moments, music is a key player on the emotional stage. But in the same breath, the responsibility for getting it “right” can be heavy. For some, music at a funeral or memorial service does not inspire a lot of thoughtfulness- whatever is suggested by the funeral director will suffice. And truthfully, in a moment of intense pain and loss, whatever makes loved ones feel comfortable - perhaps even just one less set of decisions - is the right choice.
For those who have the luxury of time, have had conversations with loved ones about their musical wishes, or care to invest in the music at the service, there are nearly boundless options. Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of creating music for both weddings and funerals of many loved ones. Whenever possible, when asked “what should be played?” I follow with “what would you like to have played?” The era of playing only sad funeral songs from a limited list of options has shifted. If the service is happening in a strict religious environment, you may have limitations to what is allowed. But most likely, you will be able to come to a reasonable agreement with the leader of the service.
How much music will be in the service?
Generally, there are three types of opportunities to share music in a service:
Prelude: the formal name for the background music that happens as folks are arriving for the service
Special Music: an opportunity for a featured performance, generally one that is listened to more attentively than the prelude and postlude
Postlude: the music that accompanies everyone exiting the service space and/or greeting the family of the deceased
Some venues either suggest or require a song (or songs) that everyone present participates in. Usually, a hymn or song shared within the faith of the hosting religious institution. A shared “congregational” song can go either way: if you have a musical crowd, folks will enjoy the opportunity to bring their voices together as part of mourning. If the mourners are generally not musical, it can create some awkwardness in the midst of an emotional moment. Either way, it’s best to discuss this with your funeral or memorial planner.
What kind of music should I consider?
The most obvious answer to that question is the music your loved one enjoyed or most identified with. Start there. Make a list of four to five songs - more, if you can. Classical music and traditional faith music are easily accepted and generally fit into the serious mood of a funeral or memorial. Common funeral songs that fit these categories:
Classical: Canon in D (Johan Pachelbel), Rêverie (Claude Debussy), Air on the G String (J.s. Bach), Danny Boy (Irish tune), Ave Maria (Franz Schubert), Adagio for Strings (Barber)
Traditional / Faith Music: Amazing Grace, How Great Thou Art, Abide With Me, Beautiful Savior, Traditional Kaddish (Jewish Song)
If you are interested in any of these pieces, your funeral director and/or musician designated to your service will have access to the necessary sheet music.
What about Jimmy Buffet, Sondheim or Pink?
But what if your loved one wasn’t drawn to music listed above? Nowadays, if presented appropriately (put away the Stratocaster), there is room for just about anything.
Things to consider:
Venue / Faith Policies: Will the leader allow popular music to be included in the service? If this is a hard sticking point, ask if it’s okay to play this music as part of the prelude or postlude. Sometimes, the restrictions only apply to what happens during the body of the ceremony.
Musical arrangements: If your loved one requested “Escape” by Rupert Holmes, you could probably get away with a singer and guitarist. Playing the song in a version that everyone knows is an option. If you want to position the song a little differently - with more reverence, sensitivity or nostalgia - look for an arrangement that will support your concept.
Musicians: Who will play at your service? Do you have a choice in who can be there? Are musician fees included in the service costs? Typically, a church will offer the services of a pianist / keyboardist / organist and a singer. If you’d like other instruments - such as strings, guitar, etc. - you can expect to pay extra. Depending on where you live (or if you have a friend or family member who is offering to play at a cheaper rate), each additional professional musician will cost roughly $100-200. If you are considering an ensemble, like a string quartet, but are concerned about budget, local colleges are a good resource. Music majors are often looking for work and experience.
Here are examples of classic pop songs that, given the right arrangement, could add beauty to a funeral or memorial:
Popular: Hallelujah (Leonard Cohen), Brown-Eyed Girl (Van Morrison), Free Fallin’ (Tom Petty), Little Wing (Jimi Hendrix), Fields of Gold (Sting)
Showtunes: Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Harold Arlen), Send in the Clowns (Stephen Sondheim), Pie Jesu (Andrew Lloyd Weber)
Something original: commission a new piece or arrangement in honor of a loved one (when my great uncle died, I wrote At the Start in honor of his bereaved widow. It has been a well-received addition to other memorial services since.)
If you are providing the arrangement yourself, be sure to pay attention to A) the style in which it is written, and B) what instruments it requires. If you aren’t a musician and need help understanding what an arrangement sounds like, check the publisher’s website or YouTube for samples of what you’re getting. The musicians you hire are also great resources and may come to the table with options you hadn’t considered.
Thinking of you
I hope I’ve shared something helpful here. In the midst of the many details attached to losing a loved one, music is most likely (and understandably) low on your priority list. Just know that, with a little bit of effort - if you or someone near you has it to give - the music played at the funeral or memorial can help create a beautiful and personal tribute.
Wishing you peace and love,
Lynn